I’ve known what my biggest fear is for a while now. About a year. And I will first of all say that I need to write this down for my own sake and not for sympathy or any other reason.
My fear is of having a heart attack. Not the dying part which could come from having a heart attack, or really the pain, but the fear that people will think that I deserve it in some way for not looking after myself better. I rarely drink and don’t smoke ever, but I’m not as active as I could be and certainly not healthy in my food choices. A few years ago I wondered if it would be a good idea if I did get ill and then it might shock me into getting better. It’s crazy to wish to get sick and I really questioned why on earth I thought this would be a good idea. But last year when I got my chest infection the pains in my chest have come back every now and then. If I think about heart attacks or chest pain, I can guarantee that the pain will come within a few hours. And it stays.
I have been in pain on and off for the last few weeks. I know that it is phantom. It’s my crazy mind. But it sends me into sheer panic when it comes along, and I think about what I wish I had done differently and how I wish the pain would go away.
I’ve started writting this, and I really don’t know where I am heading with it. Almost like I want to conclude this post somehow. But I can’t conclude it. I have a doctor’s appointment this evening where they will listen to my chest, check my lungs and confirm that I am fine (hopefully). And I hope that this episode today which has seen me in tears with our First Aider at work, will teach me to start looking after myself.
I pray that I don’t have a heart attack or any other illness. And that I start to finally listen to the warning that my brain/body is giving out and start acting.