I’ve known what my biggest fear is for a while now.  About a year.  And I will first of all say that I need to write this down for my own sake and not for sympathy or any other reason. 


My fear is of having a heart attack.  Not the dying part which could come from having a heart attack, or really the pain, but the fear that people will think that I deserve it in some way for not looking after myself better.  I rarely drink and don’t smoke ever, but I’m not as active as I could be and certainly not healthy in my food choices.  A few years ago I wondered if it would be a good idea if I did get ill and then it might shock me into getting better.  It’s crazy to wish to get sick and I really questioned why on earth I thought this would be a good idea.  But last year when I got my chest infection the pains in my chest have come back every now and then.  If I think about heart attacks or chest pain, I can guarantee that the pain will come within a few hours.  And it stays. 


I have been in pain on and off for the last few weeks.  I know that it is phantom.  It’s my crazy mind.  But it sends me into sheer panic when it comes along, and I think about what I wish I had done differently and how I wish the pain would go away. 


I’ve started writting this, and I really don’t know where I am heading with it.  Almost like I want to conclude this post somehow.  But I can’t conclude it.  I have a doctor’s appointment this evening where they will listen to my chest, check my lungs and confirm that I am fine (hopefully).  And I hope that this episode today which has seen me in tears with our First Aider at work, will teach me to start looking after myself. 


I pray that I don’t have a heart attack or any other illness.  And that I start to finally listen to the warning that my brain/body is giving out and start acting. 



~ Pru


4 thoughts on “Fear

  1. Pru, I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope the news from your doctor will be all good. I don’t know if it helps, but I often have what I think of as pain echoes. I had my gallbladder removed about 3 years ago, but once in a while i get a stab of pain where it was. After I had a spinal for my first C-section, I had pain in that spot over and over for a year. This happens over and over with different medical things. It gets cleared up or taken care of and then I have little phantom pains.

    There is a book called The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron that was very helpful for me, in helping me realize I was not crazy. Some people are simply more attuned to the messages from their bodies (and in their responses to the world).

    The other thing I know is that chest pain that feels like a heart attack can instead be a panic attack.

    I hope you are feeling better soon!

  2. I hope everything works out for you Pru. Sounds like you do pretty well taking care of yourself with not smoking, and rarely drinking. I finally joined a gym this summer and it takes my daughter going with me to get me to go regularly. Otherwise in all my years I’ve never been on a treadmill or such…just outdoor activities for me, swimming biking (but someone stole my bike) walking. Come join me? We’ll walk briskly together. Baby steps 😀 If you need a sounding board I’m here for you, email anytime!

  3. Thank you Brette, Lyndsey and Jim for your kind words of support. The doctor says that everything is fine with my heart and I know that I must stop being so afraid of every little pain. I think Brette may be right and it could be panic attacks. I will have to try to be more calm.


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